"A razzle dazzle wedding takes place in the hotel courtyard and I watch it all from a safe distance - like Richard Dreyfus at the end of close encounters of the third kind. I wonder why they even bother with the ceremony. It seems like such a great deal of trouble for everyone, and merely because two people have found themselves sexually compatible - but with no suspicion that their feelings might change with time. Hidden behind a huge plant, I cannot imagine giving any more to life than I have already given. I can see through the human heart, and I know that life’s biggest prize is to have the day before you as yours alone to do with as you wish"
This quote & the song "Will Never Marry (x) give me such a peace of mind and an answer to a question I had always struggled with.
Unlike every other girl it never occured to me my “perfect wedding dress”. I never dreamed of happily ever after. Like happiness was only found with another person instead of within. Or even inside a ring.The idea baffles me. Eludes me. I became reminded again today when this girl my age exclaimed that she had just got engaged and the sound excited squeels erupted from every other girl around me, looking at her ring and pictures and listening intently while asking a hundred questions. It goes over me like a missed joke. I feel bad for missing out on this apparent shared excitement but only confusion and apathy await. It’s not that I am against it. It is not statistics or cynical bad experiences. It is lost in translation.
This is one of the many ways I discovered that I am possibly aromantic or at the very least gray-aromantic/lithromantic. Even when or if I look and ponder upon love fondly I do not wish it to ever be returned. I watch it on screen or read it in books. I don’t mind the ideal of love on a canvas, or on a page where it looks the prettiest. Where I can fully submerge myself through it’s ranges of colors, emotions, and when I’m done I can close the book, look away or stop the movie when it gets too much. I can look from afar and appreciate it for what it is even if I don’t relate or understand it myself. People are messy, paintings are timeless.
It is comforting to know at least Morrissey understands (as always) lol. Life’s biggest prize IS truly to have the day before you as yours alone to do with as you wish.
I’m writing this to say
in a gentle way
Thank You - but no
I will live my life as I